Sunday, April 11, 2010

What now?

Well, it's about a year or so later, since my last post on here. What do I have to show for it? Nothing. Thats right folks. Absolutely nothing. I have no idea what is wrong. I have no idea who I am anymore. Everyday I become more and more like a person I don't know, and further away from God it feels. I have no one else to blame but myself. I feel like I am losing all of my friends. It's not them its me. I feel like I'm pushing God away with one hand, and trying to pull him closer to me with the other. How does that work? It doesn't. I also feel like I have built a cage around myself and God is simply holding out the key to free me from my bondage, all I have to do is reach out and take it. There is no catch. But why do I sit in this cage I have built, accepting defeat and a low life when God has so much more to give? Thats a good question and I really wish I had the answer, but I don't. I came to school to get closer to God and I feel like it has ruined me. Why? How? I have no clue. I am tired of pretending so now I don't. Do I even have feelings anymore? It feels as though I have no feelings or emotion anymore and that scares me. Who I am now is a marathon away from who I was in Christ and who I want to be. I would rather run 1,000 marathons than begin to try to dig out this hole I have buried myself in. I just need God. I know he is trying to get my attention. What am I doing wrong? I can't seem to get to him...

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