ok... I feel better getting that off my chest.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
I've been thinking about things lately.... sometimes I try not to think about them, and just push my thoughts to the "back burner" in my mind, only to have them resurface again later. There is so much going on. I am getting an apartment and I have a really cute dog. I'm training for an ultra marathon. I'm so excited for this transitional time in my life. I'm ready to live on my own. But also, when I was running I was thinking about the discipline that it takes to actually get up and run every day, even when you don't feel like it. I used to be really disciplined with running and with my spiritual life. This is something that I am still working on. Sometimes I feel like I have no discipline and that I can't find any motivation. I used to be competitive and now, I just back up from things or put up a wall. I'm trying to be disciplined with running, bible reading, and spending time with God. God needs to be the center of my life because when He is, then everything else will fall into the proper place. I feel like there are so many emotions going on inside. I try not to think about them or when I start feeling guilty about feeling the way i do, I push the thoughts and feelings to the side, and try to ignore them. On one side, I feel like life is great and I'm ready to get my credentials, start itenerating, and going to the mission field. On the flip side, I feel like I am not good enough, and inadequate. The thought of having credentials scares me, the thought of being on staff at a church... scares me. Maybe I'm just having these emotions because its close to that time of the month, I don't know. The other day my grandma was saying that its sad that my mom is missing out on so much with my life. I wish she could come shopping and out to eat with me. I wish she could come see my new place and help me decorate it. But when I start feeling this way I feel guilty because my mom is a woman of God. She prays for me all the time and she has a relationship with Jesus. That should be all I want. I'd rather have a parent who knows Jesus that is physically handicapped, than a parent who isn't saved and can walk. I try to make since out of everything but then I just get more confused. I take my thoughts to God and give them to him. I vent to him, and ask for his help but then I walk away and try to do things on my own, in my own strength. i need lean on God's understanding and not mine.