Only what is done for Christ...

Recently I lost my grandpa, Fred Bookout. It was March 12, 2013. I was there with him when he passed away. He was in a coma like state. Doctors said he could hear and understand what people said to him, but he couldn't respond back. His bed was moved into the living room where my grandma slept on the couch beside him. Doctors only gave him a few days to live, and by this time it had already been a few days. I took off of work to spend the day with him and my grandma. I had this weird feeling that he might/was going to pass away that day. I'm glad I took off of work because he passed less than an hour after  I arrived that morning. My mom was miraculously able to be there. They put the ramp down and wheeled her into the house. Every one said that my grandpa was waiting to meet with her one last time. I'm so glad that she was able to be there. It was my grandma, mom, uncle Rick, and I around his beside. my grandma told him it was ok and that we were all there. I came in and said "hi grandpa." I sat down and just took in the situation and all the emotions and tears and how my grandpa was doing. I should have told him one last time that I loved him. I know that he knew I loved him....but still. my grandma had a pulsometer on his finger to see his pulse and oxygen level. It was not too good. My grandma told him we were there and it was ok. my uncle said he thought it was getting close. his pulse got lower. i stood up and were were all standing around him. my mom was holding his hand. my grandma was holding his hand and lovingly rubbing his face. She told him it was ok and he could relax and go, that we were all fine. she told him that my mom was there. i think maybe he was holding on so he could be with my mom one more time. on the list of things to do and get situated before his death, he wanted to go out and see my mom, but he never got to do that because he never was able to go because of his health. his levels were getting lower. the time in between breaths got longer and longer. finally, I could since in my spirit that he had taken his last breath and was now in heaven, on legs that actually worked and reunited with his daughter, Doris. my grandma was devastated. she layed over his body crying. I was sad that he was gone but happy that he had a new body and was with God. I was upset and sad to see everyone else so sad. my mom was upset.

it's been really rough and hard on my mom and grandma. but God's grace is always enough!

This has had an impact on me. I mean, going to his graveside and hearing about living legacies and hearing people talk about how great of a guy he was and all the nice things he did made me think about my life. it really put into perspective how truly short our life is, compared with eternity. I''m almost 24....I'm almost half way to 50. It also put into perspective the important things in life. I love my mom. She lives in Ash Grove and I'm not always able to go see her. She has been there for me and supported me. I want her to know I'm there for her and I want to take care of her. She is on dialysis now...like my grandpa. (it makes me worried because my grandpa was on dialysis and he died of kidney failure because the dialysis stopped working eventually. I don't want that to happen to my mom) My mom is in town 3 days a week and I never go see her. there is no excuse for that. All I have to do is drive across town, instead of what seems like an hour, to ash grove. I'm visiting my mom more and calling her more. I want to be there for the ones I love. I want to tell them I love them. I want to make sure and go out of my way to show them that I love them.

But also, more than this..... I want to show Christ's love to people. The ones I love and the ones I dont know. or don't like. I read this quote on facebook that has stuck out to me. I think about this quote several times a day. "Only one life, t'will soon be past, only what's done for Christ will last." This is taken from a poem written by C.T. Studd, a missionary. This is so true. This has been challenging me daily. I know that what you spend your money on shows where your heart lies. All of a sudden things dont seem to be as important as they once were. I've been giving money to different missions projects and am looking for missionaries to support. I've been thinking about when I get to Africa as a missionary. But what can I do here, now, for the kingdom of God? Who can I tell the life changing news of Jesus to?

I started this new job at a dentist office filing papers and tossing out old files of people. I found a folder of a person who was born in 1909! What's sad is that in some of these folders there was a newspaper clip of their obituary.  I actually read the first few lines of some of these people. how old they were when they died. why or what had caused them to pass away. the word says that all things will pass away, but the word of God lives forever. Jesus is forever. God is forever. the Holy Spirit is forever. but this earth will one day pass away. people pass away.  It seems like all I have thought about the past week is this.

I want to lay aside worldly comforts and desires and securities, and do things for God. Spending my money on furthering the kingdom. Telling people about the life changing news of Jesus. Living in a way that radiates the love of God. When we get to Heaven, it will be worth it all.



I love my grandpa and he will be dearly missed. 

Driving on Empty

A few Sundays ago as I was pulling out of church and passed the Rapid Roberts that is pretty much right across from our church. I was so low on gas that the gas light had come on a few different times that morning, but for some reason I didn't stop for gas. I thought I could make it to my destination and that I would gas up later. I passed another gas station and decided that I should get gas, but again, I drove right past it. I saw one coming up, this time it was a casey's.... but I wasn't sure how to pull in so I just kept on going. I did make it to my destination (grandma's house) but I couldn't help but think that this is how sometimes how we can be in our spiritual lives. We have a spiritual tank that needs to be filled each and every day. Sometimes we try to run in our own strength  or at times we are almost on empty but decide to keep going instead of letting the Holy Spirit fill us.
I just want to challenge you (myself included), to make sure our spiritual tank is full before we start our day. 

A day I will always remember...

April 15, 2012.

This is the day I officially became the FIRST female youth pastor at Battlefield Assembly of God. The next 2 years of my life I will be a pastor to the young people who attend the church I grew up in as a teen. This is such an exciting step in my life and in my ministry! I NEVER thought that I would be a youth pastor, especially before I graduate from bible college. I'm honored to serve in this role. I can't wait to see what God is going to do in the lives of young people in this area! Sometimes I feel like it hasn't fully sank in yet..... I am a pastor. (I'm working on my credentials, but it is a lengthy process. I kinda feel like I should be credentialed to officially be called a pastor.) I have a friend who calls me pastor and when she does, it just makes my heart so happy. :)
Pastor.
Leader.
Counselor.
Preacher.
Servant.

But, why me? I can't help but wonder this sometimes? Why did God pick me? Why now? I feel like someone else would be better qualified as youth pastor. Why not have a cbc student that is in some sort of leadership role? a class president? an RA? Why now? Why not wait until after I graduate? I don't feel like I am ready. Maybe this opportunity could come again in a year? Maybe I would feel better prepared then. But I guess God is just looking for an open vessel that He can do His work through. Today at church, the pastor introduced a couple who is going to be leading the young adult ministry (which we have desperately needed for awhile and I'm so glad we finally have it!) Then he went on to introduce me as the new youth pastor. he had me come forward and told the congregation that I am working on credentials, and that he knows I am called to preach, and have drama talent hidden up my sleeve, and some other things. He had the youth staff and kids come lay hands on me and pray for me. This was my commissioning. He then unexpectedly (even though I should have expected it,) handed me the microphone and wanted me to respond, and say something. I didn't know what to say so I just told the church that I was excited and that I want to see the kids discipled and build a firm foundation to stand on, and that I want to see the group grow by the kids reaching out to other kids. At the conclusion of the service he had all of the people 25 and younger to come forward. He then told me to step forward, turn to face the kids lined up, and to start down the line and pray for all of the kids.

The sermon that pastor preached today, I felt like it was directed towards me. I know it was directed to the church as a whole, and that several people were encouraged by it, I felt like it fit my situation to a perfect T. I have just been feeling so inadequate, and scared of making mistakes and failing. What if I can't live up to what is expected from me? I don't know anything about youth ministry or building up a youth group. When I got the call after waiting anxiously for 3 hours for the board meeting to end and found out I was approved as  youth pastor, I was in shock. I was terrified! scared. fearful. But, in pastor's sermon today he talked about Joshua taking the leadership role of Moses. He said that Joshua was always in the presence of God. If you wanted to find Joshua, find the presence of God, and there he would be. He spent most of his time in God's presence. in that secret place. In Deut 31:7-8 it says "Then Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the presence of all of Israel, "be strong and courageous, for you must go with these people into the land that the Lord swore to their forefathers to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." In this passage Moses  is telling Joshua to not be afraid, discouraged, and to be strong as he steps up to be the new leader. My pastor was saying how the way Joshua leads may look a little different than the way Moses lead. He related it to mean that a younger person may lead differently than a "moses" or an older person. Moses and Joshua were from 2 different generations. Then in Joshua chapter 1 verse 6-9 God is telling Joshua the same thing that Moses told him, "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. ⁷Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. ⁸ Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. ⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." 
I want to be like Joshua. Where ever the presence of God is, there I want to be. I want to spend most of my time in the presence of God. Everyone keeps saying that I will do such a good job as youth pastor, but I have trouble convincing myself that I will. I know I will make mistakes. I know I can't do it on my own. I feel like God is calling me to rise up. Pastor said in his sermon that Joshua was just kinda hiding away until it was time to rise as leader. I feel like God is calling me to rise up and be a leader. I feel Him calling me deeper into His presence. Did I also mention that we had a message in tongues today about fear? I don't remember all that was said but it tied into what pastor spoke about. I feel God calling me to be a prayer warrior and to look at prayer more seriously. I need to develop my prayer life more. I want to spend an hour a day in prayer. prayer for this youth ministry. the youth kids. friends. family. the lost. unsaved. and things in my life. praying that my life would glorify God and would be pleasing to him. I want to pray without ceasing! Oh, how things would be different if I actually took prayer more seriously! I have been feeling this for awhile. even before being the youth pastor crossed my mind. I want to interceed for Africa. For Morocco. My friends there. Muslims around the world. The lost and hurting of this world. God is calling me to make a change in my life. a transformation. a change for life. not just something I change for a week or a month. but life! People make changes in their diet because of diabetes or other issues. This is a dietary change that is permanent.  I need to change what I am eating, spiritually. I need to change my habits. I need to get in the habit of spending time in the word, and in the presence of God. This is the only way that I can remain strong and courageous. Being with God is how the fear will cease. Like it says in Joshua, I need to meditate on the word day and night, not letting it depart from me. God is with me. He goes before me. He prepares the way. He will never leave me. He will never forsake me...even  in my weaknesses!!! I'm ready to spiritually "roll up my sleeves" if you will... and get to work. its gonna be hard work. sometimes dirty, sweaty painful, but rewarding work. I'm ready to get out of my comfort zone. I'm an empty vessel that knows i can't do this without the Holy Spirit leading me and doing His work through me. He is the work at work, I'm just the messenger that is will to go and obey. I'm ready to claim young people for the kingdom of God. This is war. Yes, I'm ready for battle. I want God to use me to snatch those in the enemy's hands. I'm not going to sit at home and knit while I hear about the war going on. I'm going to be on the front lines. When you are fighting a war, everywhere you walk on the battlefield you are watchful, and have your sword in hand, ready to strike if need be. In the same way, everywhere I go I want to be watchful of opportunities, ready with the word of God, which is sharper than any double-edged sword. If God is for me, then who can be against me? 
I know this won't be easy. I'm scared.. but the more time I spend with God, the less scared I get and the more determined I get. Holy Spirit lead me, I will follow you. You know the hearts and minds of these kids. Draw them to you. Speak to them. Reveal yourself to them in a powerful way! 


I'm ready. I'm moving forward. This is war. 

The Drive Through Window Experience.

Yesterday I was at my Grandma's waiting for her to get ready to come shopping with me, and I picked up the little paper that always comes in the Pentecostal Evangel to read until she was done. I started reading about this lady who always went to the drive through window to pick up food because her daily schedule was so busy she didn't even have time to go inside. I thought this article was going to be about how unhealthy fast food was, and I thought I was going to read about different eating tips and other advice to eating better, that combined with exercise, would lead to a more healthier lifestyle. I was wrong...it wasn't about that at all. The author of this article went on to say that the Lord spoke to her and showed her that her spiritual life was a lot like her drive through eating habits. How easy and tempting it is to get quick nibbles and snacks from the pastors sermon, a good song about Jesus on the radio, a devo that someone else shares with us, etc. These are great, don't get me wrong, but they are from from the other person's time with God. For us to not be spiritually malnourished, we need to enter in and sit at the banquet table with the Lord. Just you and the Lord. God invites us to come and sit with Him at His banquet table where we can get spiritual food that truly nourishes us.  When I read this article I was challenged to look at my own life to see if I am just going to the drive through window or if I am actually entering into the banquet of the Lord. I don't want my conversations with God to be limited to a drive through. I  don't want God to be the waiter at a restaurant, I want Him to be the person I am sitting and fellowshiping with. I want to  become more like Jesus. I know that when I hang around one person so much, I begin to pick up some of their mannerisms. Not on purpose. and sometimes I don't even notice until someone else points it out. I want to take time out of my day to go to the banquet table where God provides everything that I need. I want to spend SOOO much time with Him, that I start becoming like Him. I need to decrease so that there is room for the Lord to increase.

It makes me think of this song by Leeland called "carried to the table"

I love the words of this song, they are so true!

The song says:

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall 
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

So I ask, are you entering into the banquet that God calls us into, or are you settling for a drive through experience? 

Thoughts from running 20 mi...

When you are running 20 mi and it takes you 5 hours, you kinda have time to think about things lol. Today I decided to run some place new, and it happens to be the very trail my ultra marathon race will be held on. I think in the 5 hours I passed maybe 7 people. There was nothing around but cows, horses, and houses. I ran the first 13 miles with no problem. But then, pain started kicking in, and I began to get really tired. My legs hurt, my back hurt, and my knees hurt. Thats when it becomes mind over matter. Mental toughness had to take over. I began to talk to God and tried to think of something that I could think about. Something for my mind to focus on so I could stop thinking about the pain and how incredibly thirsty I was! It was a dumb idea to run 20 miles without anything to drink, and eating gel packs that make me thirsty!!! I was running by this small swamp. The water was gross and I wondered about what kind of snakes or alligators or other things could be lurking in there. (yes, I know we don't have alligators here, except at the zoo) lol. I though to myself, "man I'm so thirsty even that water is starting to look really good." That's when God started to speak to me and give me things to think and meditate on. What was I thinking wanting to drink nasty water I that prolly has ecoli or whatever in it??? I started thinking about this: we are born as a sinful human ball of flesh who needs God. As we grow we realize that our heart longs for something. Thirsts for something more. We can try to drink nasty polluted water, just to find ourselves going back for more because we aren't satisfied. We can drink that water but are still thirsty again. Or we can choose to drink of the living water, so that we will never thirst. We can go to the bottomless well of the word of God. Why drink dirty water when you can have sparkling clean water? I thought about my life and if I had drank any "polluted water." I think for me, maybe you are different, but for me I just get so busy that I dont make that time to drink from the spring of living water and as I go about my day I get thirsty and sometimes I can turn to "polluted water." I had to check myself to see if I had anything in my life that shouldn't be there. anything what was displeasing to God or anything that I had standing in the way between me and Him.

It makes me think of another water illustration.... when I was in Africa I got to visit a Berber village high up in the mountains. In this village there was a river of water that came straight from the mountain. It was naturally cold, and free of any bacteria. This water was as clean and fresh as water can get, since it came straight from the mountain. I went over and filled up my water bottle and it tasted so good and refreshing! But, as I walked across the bridge I noticed about 6 feet from the place the water came out of the mountain, there was a pipe with dirty water that came into this river. The water was brown and gross looking. So now, the rest of the river was contaminated. I thought it was a great sermon illustration because Jesus washes us whiter than snow, and we are clean but we can let things come into our lives that pollutes us. You couldn't tell that the river was polluted, it still looked clear. But when you see dirty water going into the river, would you want to drink it?

Also, I got to thinking about how desperate I was for something to drink! It was kinda hot, the sun was shining down, there was so shade and I'm eating gel that makes me even more thirsty. I was motivated to keep running just so I could get to my van faster so i could get a drink. I want to be so desperate for God that it moves me to action. yes, I know I need God and I read my bible and have my devo time, but I think I lost my since of desperation for God. I have been trying to handle things on my own, in my own strength and understanding. it doesn't work. I think at this point in my running I was just so tired, i was calling out to God for strength and He was able to talk to me and show me things because I was so physically tired I couldn't argue back. I don't know if running long distances makes a person emotional but my eyes teared up and i began crying out to God because I realized how desperate and helpless I am without Him. I want to thirst for Christ everyday and get filled to over flowing with the Holy Spirit and not live a day on yesterdays "fill of God" but I want a new, fresh drink of the Spirit. I want to show hurting and confused, and lost people where they can drink living water and be truly satisfied!

I thought about running the race that is marked out for me. Running long distances isn't easy. And sometimes its lonely. Sometimes no one else will be around, running with you... except God. I know I am called to a sensitive country in North Africa and sometimes I feel like its a marathon between where i am now, and actually getting over there. I do know that i am at cbc for a reason. I'm here to train. This is where I am supposed to be. it's also my choice of how I train. When times get tough will I cut corners, will I stop, will I decide to turn back, or take an easier alternative? I know I didn't start very strong, and haven't been strong the majority of my time here, but I want to finish strong and give glory to God. I want to complete my cbc training so I can go on to my next training session, and be one step closer to Africa. one verse I have always loved especially when training for Chicago marathon, is 1 Cor 9:24-27 which says "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize, Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore, I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." the stricter the training the better off you will be on race day. I want to be strict in my prayer and devotional life. that is an area that can use more discipline. I have been slacking in my marathon training and in my spiritual life training. i'm ready to do as Lecrae says in one of my favorite songs that he sings, and that is to "go hard... or go home." There is a lot of truth in that statement for any kind of training you do. his song talks about how there is a spiritual war that is raging and how we are just focused on talking on facebook, playing games, and just sitting watching tv. Instead we should more concerned with the warfare going on. I feel like I have been busying myself with things that don't really matter and just waste my time. Well... I've been "sitting on the couch" for far too long, and I'm tired of it. Its time to get up and do something. I'm going to go hard in my training, even when it hurts or is uncomfortable. Even when I think its too hard and want to stop and quit or take the easy way out. Man, the things that God has done in me while running. I guess that is the time when all distractions fall away and its just me and God. I want to remove distractions from my life so I can focus more on God. I want to be rooted in God so that when distractions and hard times come, I will not be easily shaken. I feel like my foundation in God isn't as strong as it should be and that is why I am easily shaken. Well, now I'm choosing to have strict training and spiritual disciplines so that dirty old devil can't easily shake me and make me fall down!

I feel like there are more thoughts from today, but I can't think of them right now. These thoughts are pretty heavy and I will be thinking about them for awhile.

my thoughts from running 20 mi.

When you are running 20 mi and it takes you 5 hours, you kinda have time to think about things lol. Today I decided to run some place new, and it happens to be the very trail my ultra marathon race will be held on. I think in the 5 hours I passed maybe 7 people. There was nothing around but cows, horses, and houses. I ran the first 13 miles with no problem. But then, pain started kicking in, and I began to get really tired. My legs hurt, my back hurt, and my knees hurt. Thats when it becomes mind over matter. Mental toughness had to take over. I began to talk to God and tried to think of something that I could think about. Something for my mind to focus on so I could stop thinking about the pain and how incredibly thirsty I was! It was a dumb idea to run 20 miles without anything to drink, and eating gel packs that make me thirsty!!! I was running by this small swamp. The water was gross and I wondered about what kind of snakes or alligators or other things could be lurking in there. (yes, I know we don't have alligators here, except at the zoo) lol. I though to myself, "man I'm so thirsty even that water is starting to look really good." That's when God started to speak to me and give me things to think and meditate on. What was I thinking wanting to drink nasty water I that prolly has ecoli or whatever in it??? I started thinking about this: we are born as a sinful human ball of flesh who needs God. As we grow we realize that our heart longs for something. Thirsts for something more. We can try to drink nasty polluted water, just to find ourselves going back for more because we aren't satisfied. We can drink that water but are still thirsty again. Or we can choose to drink of the living water, so that we will never thirst. We can go to the bottomless well of the word of God. Why drink dirty water when you can have sparkling clean water? I thought about my life and if I had drank any "polluted water." I think for me, maybe you are different, but for me I just get so busy that I dont make that time to drink from the spring of living water and as I go about my day I get thirsty and sometimes I can turn to "polluted water." I had to check myself to see if I had anything in my life that shouldn't be there. anything what was displeasing to God or anything that I had standing in the way between me and Him.

It makes me think of another water illustration.... when I was in Africa I got to visit a Berber village high up in the mountains. In this village there was a river of water that came straight from the mountain. It was naturally cold, and free of any bacteria. This water was as clean and fresh as water can get, since it came straight from the mountain. I went over and filled up my water bottle and it tasted so good and refreshing! But, as I walked across the bridge I noticed about 6 feet from the place the water came out of the mountain, there was a pipe with dirty water that came into this river. The water was brown and gross looking. So now, the rest of the river was contaminated. I thought it was a great sermon illustration because Jesus washes us whiter than snow, and we are clean but we can let things come into our lives that pollutes us. You couldn't tell that the river was polluted, it still looked clear. But when you see dirty water going into the river, would you want to drink it?

Also, I got to thinking about how desperate I was for something to drink! It was kinda hot, the sun was shining down, there was so shade and I'm eating gel that makes me even more thirsty. I was motivated to keep running just so I could get to my van faster so i could get a drink. I want to be so desperate for God that it moves me to action. yes, I know I need God and I read my bible and have my devo time, but I think I lost my since of desperation for God. I have been trying to handle things on my own, in my own strength and understanding. it doesn't work. I think at this point in my running I was just so tired, i was calling out to God for strength and He was able to talk to me and show me things because I was so physically tired I couldn't argue back. I don't know if running long distances makes a person emotional but my eyes teared up and i began crying out to God because I realized how desperate and helpless I am without Him. I want to thirst for Christ everyday and get filled to over flowing with the Holy Spirit and not live a day on yesterdays "fill of God" but I want a new, fresh drink of the Spirit. I want to show hurting and confused, and lost people where they can drink living water and be truly satisfied!

I thought about running the race that is marked out for me. Running long distances isn't easy. And sometimes its lonely. Sometimes no one else will be around, running with you... except God. I know I am called to a sensitive country in North Africa and sometimes I feel like its a marathon between where i am now, and actually getting over there. I do know that i am at cbc for a reason. I'm here to train. This is where I am supposed to be. it's also my choice of how I train. When times get tough will I cut corners, will I stop, will I decide to turn back, or take an easier alternative? I know I didn't start very strong, and haven't been strong the majority of my time here, but I want to finish strong and give glory to God. I want to complete my cbc training so I can go on to my next training session, and be one step closer to Africa. one verse I have always loved especially when training for Chicago marathon, is 1 Cor 9:24-27 which says "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize, Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore, I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." the stricter the training the better off you will be on race day. I want to be strict in my prayer and devotional life. that is an area that can use more discipline. I have been slacking in my marathon training and in my spiritual life training. i'm ready to do as Lecrae says in one of my favorite songs that he sings, and that is to "go hard... or go home." There is a lot of truth in that statement for any kind of training you do. his song talks about how there is a spiritual war that is raging and how we are just focused on talking on facebook, playing games, and just sitting watching tv. Instead we should more concerned with the warfare going on. I feel like I have been busying myself with things that don't really matter and just waste my time. Well... I've been "sitting on the couch" for far too long, and I'm tired of it. Its time to get up and do something. I'm going to go hard in my training, even when it hurts or is uncomfortable. Even when I think its too hard and want to stop and quit or take the easy way out.

Man, the things that God has done in my while running. I guess that is the time when all distractions fall away and its just me and God. I want to remove distractions from my life so I can focus more on God. I want to be rooted in God so that when distractions and hard times come, I will not be easily shaken. I feel like my foundation in God isn't as strong as it should be and that is why I am easily shaken. Well, now I'm choosing to have strict training and spiritual disciplines so that dirty old devil can't easily shake me and make me fall down!

I feel like there are more thoughts from today, but I can't think of them right now. These thoughts are pretty heavy and I will be thinking about them for awhile.

Confessions...

I've been thinking about things lately.... sometimes I try not to think about them, and just push my thoughts to the "back burner" in my mind, only to have them resurface again later. There is so much going on. I am getting an apartment and I have a really cute dog. I'm training for an ultra marathon. I'm so excited for this transitional time in my life. I'm ready to live on my own. But also, when I was running I was thinking about the discipline that it takes to actually get up and run every day, even when you don't feel like it. I used to be really disciplined with running and with my spiritual life. This is something that I am still working on. Sometimes I feel like I have no discipline and that I can't find any motivation. I used to be competitive and now, I just back up from things or put up a wall. I'm trying to be disciplined with running, bible reading, and spending time with God. God needs to be the center of my life because when He is, then everything else will fall into the proper place. I feel like there are so many emotions going on inside. I try not to think about them or when I start feeling guilty about feeling the way i do, I push the thoughts and feelings to the side, and try to ignore them. On one side, I feel like life is great and I'm ready to get my credentials, start itenerating, and going to the mission field. On the flip side, I feel like I am not good enough, and inadequate. The thought of having credentials scares me, the thought of being on staff at a church... scares me. Maybe I'm just having these emotions because its close to that time of the month, I don't know. The other day my grandma was saying that its sad that my mom is missing out on so much with my life. I wish she could come shopping and out to eat with me. I wish she could come see my new place and help me decorate it. But when I start feeling this way I feel guilty because my mom is a woman of God. She prays for me all the time and she has a relationship with Jesus. That should be all I want. I'd rather have a parent who knows Jesus that is physically handicapped, than a parent who isn't saved and can walk. I try to make since out of everything but then I just get more confused. I take my thoughts to God and give them to him. I vent to him, and ask for his help but then I walk away and try to do things on my own, in my own strength. i need lean on God's understanding and not mine.

ok... I feel better getting that off my chest.